I have to wake up this morning,
But it's hard to make my body work.
It's not easy to live in mourning,
In all of this world's murk.
I have in my hand a gun,
With a trigger I must not pull.
When there is not a ray of sun,
It's hard to not blow away my skull.
Nobody here to help me get by,
Nobody here to help me through.
It's hard to continue to try,
When nothing in this life is true.
People expect so much of me,
To be so perfect and happy.
Why can't they just see,
That I'm beyond unhappy?
I want them to go away,
All of these people so bothersome.
It's here that I don't want to stay,
And invisible that I want to become.
It's no one's fault really,
I just got dealt a bad hand.
This world is filthy,
And my life I can't stand.
There's no reason for the way I feel,
No reason why I hate life.
It's just so boring, so unreal,
So easy to end with the blade of a knife.
I don't need anyone else,
It's easier when I'm alone.
No more bruises or welts,
Invulnerable to sticks and stones.
Everything's a bore, I feel nothing anymore,
Not happiness, sadness, or anger.
There's nothing in life left to live for;
No reason to continue in this body of a stranger.
But here I am waking up today,
Against my better judgment.
I'm not sure how I can keep going this way,
To live this life without commitment.
Either way, I'm still not dead,
But I guess that it doesn't matter.
I feel indifferent to life's end,
Or the continuation of this dull chatter.
Why do I not care?
About anything or anyone?
How is any of this fair?
Why can't I just be done?!
The sun still isn't shining,
But I still feel empty inside.
It's so gloomy, I should be crying;
Instead I'll just go back to bed in stride.
Perhaps one day I will be recovered,
Able to feel once more.
But it's hard to want that life rediscovered,
When that life is such a bore.
~Ashley Tia Long~